am more alone than ever and I really don't mind it in a way and in a way I do.. Nobody understands anyway, I drown, choke, and suffocate on my own words and thoughts. I dislike many aspects of the many people that surround me, it sickens me and that just makes me think I'm internally going to be alone no matter what for the rest of my life. Why? Because nobody truly takes the time to conversate and understand how I feel about life, they just wanna throw themselves like jumping in a pool without testing the waters. Nobody takes the time to truly feel someone's insides and understand them completely, I mean literally. I'm not a big fan of trusting people with my emotions at all, not even the members of my family. Why? Mostly because I sense people's vibes and aura and if I don't feel you're being geniune in all shape and form expect me not to act like I care.
Somehow, I come across as a big jerk because I stay true to the way I feel. I guess my coldness just says it all and somehow no matter how much I love and care for the ones I truly do love- I cannot come to show it. Why? Because I don't like to be smothered, showing love, affection and that you care is not something you ask and ask and ask- it has to flow naturally. That's just how human
nature works, that's how I work. I mean I do show it, but not when it's requested. I do it on
my own. I don't like clingyness, it disgusts me. I'll admit that at some points in my life I
acted clingy, just thinking about it makes me sick. I cannot come to describe that part of me,
that jerk side. The moral of the story is: BEING GENIUNE AND TRULY UNDERSTANDING.
I am very in touch with my emotions and at the same time I'm one dry bitch. I'm a walking
contradiction. I just want a friend that truly takes their time to understand and connect with
me. It feels lonely when nobody gets it and acts like they get it. Nobody takes the time to
at all whatsoever, it's as if all these people around me are afraid of conversating. I can
honestly say that I have not connected with anyone in my family or any of my friends in the
way that I would like to, tho I have, but not in that intense "WOW" way. There's only one
person that really understands and luckily I've found another friend of mines that has a
unique mind the way I do and it's great. My attitude is an I don't care attitude, I just want to
be understood for how I feel about life, my perspective, for all the passion I feel inside, and
mostly to be understood of this mind I have and TRULYJUST LIVE AND BE ALIVE AND FEEL!
You can say it feels crazy and overwhelmed with so many things that do not leave me alone,
like someone constantly poking me. I just wanna sit in this indie lounge in Williamsburg,
Brooklyn that I really like. I'll sit there with a book or my journal, lying on the hammock while
listening to live serene music with candles all around. That place felt like home to me, I
would want to be there with people that understand my mind, this crazy imaginative mind of mine and I'll be happy ! Who wants to give me a mountain to scream from the top of my lungs? I can't breathe anymore!!
Now that these words I just wrote are replaying in my mind, another epiphany has striked me!
I've had so many epiphanies, I lost count. What if all the geniune I seek in people is something that portrays itself to be something I don't possess with the coldness I sent out to the world? What if my coldness is backfiring on me and is causing this aloneness that I feel? What if I act more loving towards others, the geniune in me would show the more? Everyone needs love, love makes the world go 'round. From now on, I'm going to act more loving because 99.9% of the time, actions speaks VOLUMES and wow I haven't been practicing what I preach. There needs to be a balance, I've found it! Seems like I've brung this upon myself with my attitude. Another slap of reality in my face.
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