I haven't done one of these in a really long time. I've been feeling the need to write. Lately, things haven't been how I want them to be in general, but hey, not everything is how we want them to be. I'm feeling so many different emotions right now, that I don't even know what to write. I'm hurt. My heart hurts, my soul hurts, my whole body hurts. I feel like incomplete, like a part of me is missing. I just wanna fly away, a place where I can be at peace with myself and with how my life is. This is not how I want things to be. It feels like nothing ever gets better. There is so much of myself that I have yet to discover, I know I am stronger than I believe at times and I know things will get better with how things are. I hope things get better with my life: my family, my friends, my career, and with love. Things have not been good. I hope to become more bonded with my family and be more open towards them. I hope to aim for all that I dream of. I hope to be able to show all the love I have without being afraid. It's a risk I must take. I hope to become a stronger person, I hope to be able to open up my heart without feeling afraid of pain, hurt, and suffering; that is what life is about, about learning and being a human being.
I know all of these things, but it is sooo hard for me to say how I feel at times. The words are there, but they do come out, fear takes over me, like I freeze and so many questions begin to swirl in my mind. It's nothing personal to anyone, it's not that I am not honest, it's not that I'm a coward, it's none of that, it's just that it's hard to trust someone with your innermost thoughts and feelings. Being vulnerable to someone, in someone's eyes, is a scary thing because you're risking your heart and you're risking getting hurt. I feel that if someone knows too much about you, it can ruin things, perhaps the interest will go away. It's brave to demonstrate yourself all out there. I cry about it, I cry that I can't say how I feel and what I am feeling. It hurts me, it's been affecting me for years. Sometimes, I feel like I am going to end up alone without anyone because I tend to push people away from me. I don't do it intentionally, it is how it is. It's a wall I've had up, and now I have to bring it down. I have to let it all out and be free. I know I have to work on that part of me, I try soooo hard, I need to let go of all the hurt from people in my life. That is the only way I'll reach complete happiness. I know I can do it. This is one of the reasons I love writing so much.
I hope to become the best person I can be, more of who I am, but better. You live and you learn, that is what we're for. It's me and G O D, he's going to help me. I promised myself I would not cry, but I am human. It's a sign of bravery and strength to tear. Tears are beautiful, where do they come from? Today I lost a beautiful part of me, it hurts sooo bad, but I pray that things will be alright and that I'll be able to get through this. I have learned soo much. I don't think I'll be to love another, I don't think I'm supposed to. I must admit, I honestly do not how I am going to make it. Love conquers all?
I am alone now, more alone than ever before. Like the saying goes, "We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone", I guess that saying is true. I don't know if I can handle it, but I hope to overcome my pain as the days go by. God knows what's best for me, doesn't he? This is a time where I have to be strong for myself, especially for myself. I can't let myself get down. I've come to accept how things are, who I am, and what I am here for. Good days bring happiness and bad days bring experience, both are essential to life.
~Rafaelina Siri
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